I feel like drowning in quicksand. I couldn’t move anymore. I feel like I just have to stop struggling and let it completely consume me in its deep recesses of darkness and point of no return. I just want to surrender to its grip. I do not want to fight it. The more I try so hard to get out of it, the more it just tightens its hold on me. There is no strength left in me. I am so tired in this battle. I have no one and nothing to hold on to. I feel so alone, abandoned, forsaken. Things are just falling apart. It seemed everything is chaotic. My life is in total hiatus. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel so downright pathetic. I’m so lost! I have worked so hard yet everything is not enough. No matter how hard I worked myself like a bull, there is still this extreme necessity that I couldn’t cover. It seems all my effort are left in futile. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I am a damned prisoner of my oh so miserable life… I do not want to despair but I’m at the verge of breaking up. I am so broken inside that all I want to do is to vanish into thin air. I am overwhelmed with what is happening around me. I want to get out of this mess. I want to be free! With all the negative emotions I’m feeling right now, I still believe that I shouldn’t deal life-like it. I should mightily try to wriggle free out of it. No matter how difficult but at least, I should try. This is no time for defeat. I have to fight even if it is the hard way. Yes, I know things wouldn’t be a piece of cake but then I need to be positive that I’ll gonna overcome these struggles I’m facing right now. As a positive person as I am, I also stumble in this belief. I am sometimes overcome with the negativity around me. Yet, I am trying not be empowered by it. I know I have a bigger God than all the problems I have in my life. I know that He will abide in me in fighting my woes. He is our Sovereign God and Father, and He will always see us through all the storms.
I hate it when I am feeling fallible. But then, it is not a crime to feel this way, right? We are just human and bound to experience down time. This is a normal emotion for people who are facing difficulties and trials. I have been into seclusion for about 3 months when I get depressed of all the emotional turmoil I have been through in my marriage. It was my coping mechanism at that time. I would rather be left alone than mingle with others and pretend that everything is alright. That would be an act of hypocrisy. I am not pretentious so I never attempt to just complicate my situation with it. I know that withdrawing myself from others even from my family is not healthy but at that time, it was my only consolation – to be with myself. I used that time to wallow in grief, pain and sorrow. I cried a river to my heart’s content. Until such time, all I could feel is numbness. I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. I started to pick up the pieces of my shattered world. Get back on my feet again and try to accept what happened. It is only in acceptance we truly get the courage to forgive, let go and move on. It was never easy and people have different ways in handling and coping difficult situations. I am just fortunate I think because my family never gave up on me. They allow me to heal on my own. They never pressure me to do what they think is best for me to do. They gave me the chance to figure things out and come out of my shell with renewed strength, better perspective and determination to spread my wings and conquer all the nightmares in my life. Even though I withdrew myself from them, I know that I am not literally alone. They are always ready to reach out on me, show their support in all my struggles and most importantly show their love to me. I was filled by my family’s love that also inspired and motivated me to recover. I believe there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow after the rain and we have a choice to choose: let depression eat you alive or eat your depression to live.